Reasons To Feel Sorry for Men, Part II

WARNING: The following article says bastard, a lot.

I'm going to say something which might seem like a no brainer: All men are bastards.

Zero points for originality I know, but you've got to give me a few for accuracy.

It's because all men are bastards that I feel so sorry for them. Because men cannot help being bastards, society makes it so hard for them not to be.

Now I'm willing to bet good money that at least one time in their life, even the nicest man has been called a bastard by a woman. Heres why: If a man has sex with a woman he likes and doesn't call her the next day, he's a bastard. If a man has sex with a woman he doesn't like, he's still a bastard.

The solution? Dont have sex. Unlikely. The other solution? Call her. Doubtful.

If you call her the next day, you might not be a bastard, but you'd be a sap. And most women prefer bastards.

Now guys, this is no excuse for your bastardly behaviour, but I appreciate this tightrope you have to walk every day of your life.

It's not just at the start of relationships either. When you try and finish with a girl, you can either be a cowardly bastard and stop calling her, a mean bastard by saying you don't like her or you the nice guy and let her down gently. More than one girl I know, myself included, will take this to mean "I must try harder" rather than "I must piss off."

So you try and to be the nice guy, and maybe try and stay friends. One of two things will happen. You'll get really friendly, perhaps a bit drunk and end up sleeping with her, a girl you don't really like, therefore making you a bastard. Or you'll get sick of her trying to win you over, tell her straight that its not going to happen, therefore making you a bastard. You poor boys just can't win.

I once had the briefest fling with a man who I could never figure out. We went out and had fun, but then he turned a bit cold on me. Was he a bastard, or was he just rubbish with girls? A mutual friend of ours told me it was the latter, but that didn't stop me from asking him myself.

This is how the conversation went:

ME: Our friend says youre crap with girls.
The Poor Boy: Oh does he now?
ME: Yeah. So are you?
TPB: Ummmm.
ME: Well it's either that or you don't like me.
THB: So I'm either a bastard or a loser?
ME: Basically.
TPB: Can't I be a bit of both?
ME: That means you half don't like me.
TPB: Well, I'd rather be a bastard than a loser.

And he ended up losing me, which I doubt he regrets that much, considering that conversation was me acting like a prize bitch.

Despite this, I still got everyone to believe I was the victim and he was the bastard. It wasn't hard, and being the victim gave me power. Being a bastard just gets you a slap.

Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com