You know the feeling you get when you're on a really crowded train, you've been working all day, and you've finally get a seat, only you have to move because the man sat next to you has just asked if you're a lesbian or a hooker? No, you wouldn't, unless you were a female of Oriental persuasion.
"Nae ho ma?" is the offensive phrase in question, and depending on the inflections the speaker places, it translates to one of the following phrases:
1. Are you well?
2. You're a ho, yes?
3. You gay?
Of course, I know these poor men want to ask if I am well, but their English tongues cant master Cantonese. Hell, I can't master Cantonese and its only because of years of my mother yelling: "Where the hell have you been/What time do you call this/You're not going out dressed like a hooker/Why haven't you got a boyfriend, are you gay?" that I have become sensitive enough to pick up on the subtleties that change this friendly greeting to a scurrilous insult.
If it were a case of a few mixed up words, then perhaps I could chuckle. But it's not, its symptomatic of a much greater disease. A disease commonly know to us Oriental girls with yards and yards of straight black hair, small feet, smooth skin and slitty eyes as Yellow Fever. Men with Yellow Fever (yes, it is an exclusively male affliction, like testicular cancer) quite simply, want an Oriental girlfriend. What exactly for, I'm not sure. Maybe they want to be fed chicken chow mein, or maybe they want to call their girlfriends hookers and lesbians, both are common fantasies among men.
The less sophisticated sufferers of Yellow Fever have even less sophisticated chat-up lines then "are you a lesbian/hooker?" I have personally encountered the following:
1.Would you like the cream of sum young guy?
2. Where are you from? Hong Kong, China, Vietnam, Korea?
You see, they're trying to be clever. Do you know what you get when stupid people try and be clever? Stupid squared. I mean, what girl, Oriental or otherwise, is going to find you offering your cum a flattering reason to talk to you?
As for where are you from, I find this question even more insipid and offensive then are you as lesbian/hooker. What they are really saying is, "what are you doing here?" Before you accuse me of over reacting, how would you answer the question, where are you from? You'd say the place where you spent the majority of your formative years, right? Well, in my case, this is London, but when I tell these people I'm from London, they reply, "No, where are you really from?" Sometimes, I'll say it again, only slower, "Lon--don." They will ask again, moving the emphasis, "Where are you really from?" "London." Sometimes, they'll suggest places that they believe more likely to be the place I'm from, observe, "Where are you from, Japan?" "No, London." The record amount of times this exchange has taken place currently stands at five. It doesn't matter that technically, I wasn't born in London. I was born in a shantytown on the outskirts of Bangkok called Chun Marie (English spelling). Some of my closet friends don't know this, so why should I impart it to someone I don't even know? I only spent nine months there. I often wonder if these same men would ask a black woman where she was really from. The lack of black eyes and bruised faces tell me no. from?
Sometimes they'll do away with the unnecessary task of asking me where I'm from, and just say random Southeast Asian countries at me, like so, "Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Hong Kong?" As if they're trying to win a geography competition. Again, let me show you how absurd this is, if a white woman sat down and someone started saying "Lichfield, Sutton, Northampton, Isle of Wight?" You'd think they were pretty nutty, wouldnt you? Considering the sheer mass of Southeast Asia, I think I can be afforded the same luxury.
All I want is to be left alone. To stay on my seat on that train and read my book. I dont have small feet, I wont cook you chicken chow mein, and for the last time, I'm not a lesbian, or a hooker.
Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com
