Stories from the city

Restaurant Review: Kulu Kulu, London

2009-05-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

At Kulu Kulu you sit around a conveyer belt and wait for your food to come to you. It’s reasonably healthy, quick and tasty Japanese faire, with a selection of sushi, sashimi and a few pleasant surprises.

Read the rest of the review at Viewlondon.co.uk

Face up to your fling

2009-01-25T11:51:00.000-08:00

New year blues aren’t the only thing you need to worry about this January. If all that mulled wine meant you got a little carried away with someone under the mistletoe at the work Christmas party, it may be embarrassing to face them in the office on your first week back. Unlike a random snog in a nightclub, you have to face your ill-advised fling five days a week.

While you may have acted on a mutual attraction, you are not always mutually agreed on where it will end. Media executives Beatrice, 28, and Andrew, 31, got it on at their Christmas party last year and now can’t stand the sight of each other. A tricky situation as they have to sit opposite one another every day.

Read the rest at the Londonpaper

Jealousy: how to cope

2008-12-17T03:56:00.000-08:00

If you’re jealous of other men
Instinct may tell you it’s OK to punch someone for looking at your bird, but better judgement should tell you otherwise. Here’s a newsflash, if you find your girlfriend attractive, undoubtedly other men will too.

Relationship and psychosexual therapist Mo Kurimbokus says, “jealousy needs to be nipped in the bud, before it becomes destructive. You should talk to your partner about how you feel and they, in turn, should be able to reassure you.”

And if you’re just not one of those touchy-feely blokes who can open up easily? Kurimbokus suggests, “if you don’t talk about how you feel you’re left with two choices – the relationship will end up running into difficulties or you will have to put up with a bad relationship.”

Read the rest at Men's Health.

Upping the ante in the dating stakes

2008-11-11T15:52:00.001-08:00

Betting on the unknown is something poker players and singles do every day. Both involve big risks, and you'll crash and burn if you can't tell the truth from a bluff.

So in an effort to help the capital's singles improve their love chances, online gaming site PKR and dating website Lovestruck.com have set up a poker school, where techniques such as reading body language and spotting a bluff are applied to dating.

Patrick Binding, a 30-year-old education consultant from New Malden, went to the first event at the Hoxton Pony Club on Thursday to see if Lady Luck was on his side.

Was Partick lucky in love? Find out at the Londonpaper

Dating double standards: now men are just as likely to get judged on their sex life

2008-11-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

If there was ever a dating double standard that needed busting it was the one that decreed women who slept around were sluts, but men who did it were studs.

Well, things have moved on – men are just as likely as women to find themselves snubbed for having had too many sexual partners.

Calum Best is trying to shift his sleazy reputation in the MTV series Totally Calum Best. The show sees him trying to abstain from sex for 50 days to prove there’s more to him than just womanising. And he’s not the only one trying to put his sexually charged past behind him.

Christopher James, 26, has lost count of the number of women he’s bedded. As the man behind a club photography website, he gets to meet lots of beautiful women, and has taken full advantage of his opportunities. There is, however, a downside.

Read what that downside could be at the Londonpaper

Romantic Hypnotherapy - curing shyness at The Summit Clinic

2008-11-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

‘Relax and look into my eyes.” No, it’s not a date making a move, but it might help you get one. Hypnotherapy helps the love-shy to conquer their romantic fears.

The same techniques that help smokers quit and fatties lose weight are being used to boost confidence.

Hypnotist Philip Rainbird says: “Shyness is often compounded by low ego and poor self-image.” This can be helped through hypnosis.

“It can float the conscious mind out of its negative habits,” Rainbird says. “It takes the negative power out of images of others, particularly of desirable people.”

We sent two nervous singletons to The Summit clinic in Highgate to see if hypnosis can help you romantically. Rainbird used a combination of visualisation and relaxing techniques.

How did two singletons fair under Philip's spell? Find out at the Londonpaper

Love advice: The pitfalls of going older or younger

2008-11-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

When super-producer Mark Ronson, 33, started dating 19-year-old model Daisy Lowe, the age difference raised a few eyebrows.

Now it seems the 14-year gap has proved too much. The couple have split after six months and Daisy was reportedly comforted by her ex-boyfriend Will Cameron, also 19. So does a decade between lovers mean it can’t work?

Find out at the Londonpaper

I don't want to kiss my boyfriend

2008-11-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Amy

I have a boyfriend, who I’ve been 'going out' with for about 7 weeks. But I don’t feel right with him, and he wants to kiss me but I don’t want to. Not because I don’t know how to, I just don’t want to. I want to finish with him, but I no he'll be upset when I tell him. What can I say? By the way, I’m not the type to tell him over text or email...
Confused ..., 13

The simple answer to this is: if you don’t want to kiss anyone, then you don’t have to kiss anyone.

You obviously care about this person because you’re concerned he’ll be upset, but guilt is never a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.

Just because you don’t want to kiss him, it doesn’t mean you don’t like him. You might just not like him in that way and there’s nothing wrong with that either.

Read the rest of the advice on Children's First for Health

My sexuality: Am I gay?

2008-11-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

As if life wasn’t confusing enough, your sexuality comes along and starts playing havoc. But what makes someone gay? Is there a specific turning point? How do you know if you’re gay?

People have been studying these questions for years and no one has come up with a definitive answer yet. Some people think being gay is down to genetics, others because of an event and other people think it’s down to the way you’re brought up.

No one really knows what make you attracted to someone – the same sex or otherwise. It might be the way they look, or their sense of humour, the way they dress, or none of the above.

Read the rest at Children's First for Health

Modern manners

2008-11-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

Today the notion of gentlemanly behaviour is not nearly as clear-cut as it once was. So with the help of Debrett’s Guide for the Modern Gentleman (Debrett’s Ltd), we have put together your must-read guide to the new rules of dating. Who said chivalry was dead eh?

Read the tips on Men's Health

Feel the stag

2008-11-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

With rising fuel costs even a trip to Poland for a stag weekend seems out of your league. We explore UK alternatives for a more cheaper and environmentally friendly alternative.

Check out where to go at Men's Health

Can I get meningitis from sex?

2008-09-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ben

Last summer I got meningitis. I got to the ER in time to stop it, but I got meds and it's been a year now and I've been fine. There was one question that I didn't ask the doctor – can you get meningitis from sex? Not that I've been sexual but I've kissed and played. I know that you can catch it from drinking the same drink with your friends and I've done that too. Please help me!!

Alek, 12

There are a lot of myths surrounding meningitis. But the truth is that you cannot get meningitis from sex.

Meningitis is caused by a bacteria or a group of viruses called enteroviruses, which are common in the summer months. They are spread through direct contact with bodily fluids like mucus or saliva.

This means you can catch meningitis from close personal contact with someone, such as sharing the same toothbrush or utensils, but they also have to be ill with meningitis before you can catch the disease.

Chances are if they have got meningitis already they’ll be felling so ill that kissing and anything vaguely sexual will be the last thing on their minds!

Read the rest of teh advice on Children First for Health

Help! I think I've got toxic shock symdrome

2008-09-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Amy

Hi, I am Sam. I really need your help because one day I noticed I had put two tampons in at the same time. I have managed to get them out but now I am suffering from most of the symptoms of TSS (toxic shock syndrome). What can I do? I am missing a lot of school and this is very important because I am in my last year at school what can I do please help x

Sam, 15

Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) is an infection caused by bacteria Staphylococcus aureus – which normally live harmlessly on the skin and in the nose, armpit, groin or vagina of one in every three people.

In rare cases certain strains of these bacteria can produce poisons that cause TSS.

Read the rest of the advice on Children First of Health

How do I get my parents to accept my sexuality?

2008-09-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Doc

I'm 15, and I think I'm a lesbian. I told my parents when I was almost fourteen, and they refuse to accept it, saying it’s a 'phase'. I’ve had relationships with girls, and if I’m honest, the thought of doing anything 'intimate' with a boy is a real turn off. What shall I do to make them accept me?

Like you, many people will question their sexuality at some time in their life. And although people often take some time working it out, no one can know your sexuality more than you.

You have taken such a big step in trying to talk to your parents about this already. As well as demonstrating that you are a strong person, this also suggests that you have had a trusting relationship with them in the past. So it must have been really difficult when your parents’ reaction was not as positive as you might have wished.

Read the rest of the advice on Children First for Health

I have cerebral palsy - what exercise is best?

2008-08-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Doc

I am a female with cerebral palsy. I would like to learn to run, but I don't know who to look to for help. Do you have any suggestions?
Chynna, 16

Cerebral palsy is the term used to describe a physical condition that affects movement after early injury to the brain.

There are several different types of cerebral palsy and no two people are affected in the same way.

Read the rest of the advice on Children First for Health

Tournament of Tease: A bit of strip 'n' tickle

2008-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Watching strippers is not an exclusively male pursuit, with women queuing up to see male dance troupes get their kit off all over London. The traditional hen night is not complete without a greased-up hunk gyrating in front of the bride.

But times are changing, with women now looking for a little art as well as a naked arse. Male burlesque is becoming as popular as its female counterpart, with the second all-male Tournament of Tease final taking place tomorrow at the Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club.

Instead of uniformed beefcakes, men of all sizes strut their stuff in a range of costumes from a pirate to a mouse who enjoys being spanked. These men don’t look like your average stripper – some are puny while others have more spare tyres than an articulated lorry.

Read the rest at the Londonpaper online

Unlucky in love? Let your lady friend help, says Fong Chau

2008-08-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

Packs of men out on the pull is as intimidating as it is unattractive. So the latest way of getting the girl of your dreams is to have a wing woman – a lady who will talk to women on your behalf, bigging you up before introducing you.

It’s a craze that has taken off in America – the Wing Woman agency charges $75 (£38) an hour for a lady friend to cruise the bars with you.

But would it work over here? According to the agency website it can’t fail, as women are invariably attracted to men who have female friends around them: “They tend to lower their defences and see these men as having a seal of approval.”

So will saying “my mate fancies you” work as well in a bar as it did in the playground? To find out, I put it to the test by playing wing woman to 28-year-old James Holloway.

Read the rest at the Lodonpaper online

Breastfeeding does not make you sag

2008-06-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Doctors have found that smoking, aging and pregnancy itself has a bigger effect on the pertness of your bosom then breastfeeding.

Plastic surgeon Brian Rinker carried out the study, inspired by the number of women who approached him asking to ‘fix what breastfeeding did to my breasts.’

But he found there was no difference in the degree of sagging between the women that breastfed and the ones who did not.

In fact, smoking was one of the biggest factors because the chemicals in cigarettes breaks down the protein in the skin, which helps it look young and support the breast.

Scientists have previously proved that breastfeeding can boost a baby’s IQ.

Britain has the lowest breastfeeding rate in Europe.

Orignally published on Askamum.co.uk in 2007

Men with deep voices father more babies

2008-06-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

Witness the Barry White effect

A new study has shown that men with lower-pitched voices have more children, suggesting women find men with deep voices sexier and more manly.

Anthropologists studied the nomadic tribes of northern Tanzania for six months to come up with their findings.

Read the rest at Askamum.co.uk

Chinese birth predictor: Baby boy or girl?

2008-04-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

This ancient Chinese birth chart was uncovered in the tomb of a monk in Beijing, according to legend. When archaeologists examined the parchment it was printed on, they found that the chart predicts the sex of your baby with a spooky amount of accuracy.

Just look down the chart to find how old you'll be when you give birth and along the top for the month your baby was conceived. The square where the two meet will show if you're having a boy or a girl

Check out the chart on Goodtoknow.co.uk

Protecting your back

2008-03-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

Back pain is the number one cause of absence at work and about half of the population will suffer from it at some point in their lives.

A new report has found that it affects 80% of us and costs the NHS over £800 million a year.

It can come on suddenly, or build up over a few months. It can feel like a sharp stabbing pain, or a dull ache. Thankfully, most back pain is not serious and will go away after taking over-the-counter painkillers.

There are two types of back pain:

* Acute - where the pain lasts for less than three months.
* Chronic - where it gradually develops and causes long-term problems.

Read the rest at Goodtoknow.co.uk

Amy Winehouse's hair-raising problems

2008-03-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

After a rocky opening show for her UK tour in Birmingham last week, Amy WInehouse now faces a whole new challenge: how to keep her voluminous hair-do in place after prison guards allegedly rummage through her beehive when she visits her beloved, Blake Fielder-Civil, in Pentonville Prison.

Read the rest at OSOYOU

More celeb stories:
Posh Spice makes her small screen debut
Princess Beatrice dumps royal party

Band interview: Bib

2008-03-04T10:08:00.000-08:00

Bobbing along on a sea of mediocrity, are a band set to leave you gasping for more.
South London quartet, Bib, marry humour and social commentary together in a kind of musical satire, frontman Duncan Diamonte said: “Bib's music is comic and sincere in equal portions.”

Imagine Parklife-era Blur layered with dance beats and you might be close. Add the swagger of Shaun Ryder and Bez and you might be closer still.

Signed to the appropriately named Adult Baby records, the band released their debut, double-A side single, Jobs Online/Victims of Crime last year to great acclaim, music website, Playlouder heralded it as their single of the week, calling it “ephemeral and magnificent, Bib are pop music as it should be.”

A launch party at London’s premier taste making nightclub Trash secured their place in the drawer marked “next big thing.”

Duncan is joined on vocals by what looks like his evil munchkin side kick, Jack Trade, together they make an unlikely, but enchanting couple.

They recently recruited Justin Denim on drums and K-os on guitar. There are no other instruments, save an MP3 player.

Duncan says: “On one level it saves lugging amps and stuff around so it's practical for us, we just rock up with an mp3 player, guitar pre-amp and use the house drum kit - saves a fortune on cabs and takes half the time to set up.

“On another, we got bored of the current trend for predictable bands of foppish lads doing to punk and garage music exactly the same thing that happened to metal in the eighties by sanitising it to the point of parody.

“We're far more punk than that.”

They make a motley crew of slightly misshapen musicians coming together to create beautiful pop music.

Originally Publised in the East London Advertiser, 2006

Band interview: The Duloks

2008-03-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Bands take themselves too seriously. Let’s face it, even in their red, skin-tight jeans and neon-rimmed sunglasses - worn indoors - they still think they are the coolest thing on the planet.

But not girl band the Duloks, who sing songs about wizards, Mick Jagger, unicorns and eating fish.

Legend has it they formed via MySpace after drummer Mar said she needed a “female with balls with no shame.”

Mar says, “The actual quote is ‘NEEDED: FEMALE WITH BALLS!’ I never said anything about shame.”

That part was added by former Teen-C Princess Mira Maga, who replied, telling her to not accept applications for anyone else.
So, has Mira delivered? “She definitely has balls and is the official ‘dude’ of the band” Mar says.

Her onstage persona is definitely masculine – from the way she deals with hecklers to the way she once publicly told her future bedfellow he would get “hugs, but no fingerbanging.”

But even as the official “dude” of the band, she concedes, “We don’t really have any groupies.”

Not through want of trying though. After the Duloks played a show in Toulouse one French fittie hunted Mira down to the backstage area. “He came to see if he could kiss me,” she said, “but found me passed out backstage. He must have spent intervals of 5 minutes over two or three hours trying to wake me up to no avail. That's dedicated.”

The band’s travels did not end on the French Rivera either, the trio recently flew to Nuremburg where they were the top billing for Club Stereo.

The gig goes down in history as Mar’s favourite European gig so far, “we had a lovely audience of friendly Germans who knew the words to many of our songs and sung along,” she said.

Keyboardist and youngest member, Mina agrees: “We were a lot more prepared for the gig in Nuremberg and the people were amazing - friendly and knew the songs.”

From the delicate poptastic beauty of debut single (I’m Gonna Follow Your) Star Trial to the you-just-have-to-be-there humour of Bag Vegetarian the Duloks unashamedly write songs from the heart – even when they’re about having sex with Mormons or fears that you may be turning into the Rolling Stones’ lead singer.

“That's the whole point of the band,” explains Mar, “We are silly, even the serious songs are fun.”

Songs like (Don’t Leave Me in the) Lighthouse about a long distance love. With lyrics like “I can’t bear to be so wherewithal without you / Skies grow dark when your star is far” it could easily rival The Smiths for abject misery, but then the middle eight hits and Mar leaves her drum stool to perform a ritualistic sea dance with Mira, leaving Mina in charge of the music.

Mira explains “Dulok dances just seem to happen! If we do it in practice and it makes us laugh it stays.”

And that is the Duloks philosophy, to share the laughter, and to invent silly dances.

Originally published in UPP Magazine, 2007

Reclaiming my right to be pissed off

2008-03-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

In the battle of the sexes, the war between man and woman, there have been many gains, but just as many losses, on both parts. But this is a right I feel I, and many other women, have lost though. It's an important entitlement that we must reclaim; it's the right to be pissed off. Genuinely pissed off, not upset because we're on our periods (you fucking dare take that away from us!) but justifiably angry that we have been wronged. I can tell you who took this away from us as well, Michael Douglas.

One of the biggest films in the 1980s was Fatal Attraction and its influence remains with us today. How many girls have been called a bit of a bunny-boilers? Aside from giving us a snappy little bit of alliteration, it really undermined and eventually revoked a woman's right to be pissed off. Put yourself in Alex's (Glenn Close) position for a moment. You meet a man, he shags you, you spend a glorious weekend together, you tell him how you dad died, you let him fuck you in a lift, you cook for him, he cooks for you, you open up to him, but come Monday morning, he dumps you. That would piss me off, and that's because of something I like to call good moral values rather than a penchant for pet rabbit stew.

But Glenn Close is not allowed to be pissed off, she ends up being drowned a shot because of it. Her unborn baby ends up dead too, which doesn't seem very fair to me.

So now we're left with this legacy, this fear of showing any kind of upset when a man dumps on us because we'll be branded bunny-boilers. Well, fuck that, I am pissed off and I know plenty other women are too. I'm pissed off at the boys that met me, shagged me, then left. I'm pissed off at the lies told to get me into bed, ranging from the predictable, "I love you, I think you're beautiful" to the mildly ridiculous, "I've never made love to anyone else in this bed." I'm pissed off at the excuses told to get them out of a serious relationship, ranging from the predictable, "I have issues" to the incredibly ridiculous, "My doctor said I was getting ill from doing too much stuff."

And now you're all thinking the same thing – these words have branded me a Watership Down's premier sous chef. You all think I'm a bunny-boiler don't you? And by doing so, you are taking away my well-earned right to be pissed off. People get pissed off when the bus timetable is wrong and I'm not allowed to be upset when I'm fed bullshit a million times more repugnant? Well that stops here and I am reclaiming my right to be pissed off:

I am pissed off at:

1. The boy who told me he hated he girlfriend to get me into bed.
2. The boy who told me he didn't have a girlfriend to get me into bed.
3. The boys that are only interested until they get me into bed.
4. The boys that say they'll call and don't.
5. The boys that have called me a bunny-boiler

I accept I was naïve, but that only counts for so much. If there were no lies told in the first place, there would be nothing for me to believe.

Please share yours.

Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com

Reasons To Feel Sorry for Men, Part II

2008-03-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

WARNING: The following article says bastard, a lot.

I'm going to say something which might seem like a no brainer: All men are bastards.

Zero points for originality I know, but you've got to give me a few for accuracy.

It's because all men are bastards that I feel so sorry for them. Because men cannot help being bastards, society makes it so hard for them not to be.

Now I'm willing to bet good money that at least one time in their life, even the nicest man has been called a bastard by a woman. Heres why: If a man has sex with a woman he likes and doesn't call her the next day, he's a bastard. If a man has sex with a woman he doesn't like, he's still a bastard.

The solution? Dont have sex. Unlikely. The other solution? Call her. Doubtful.

If you call her the next day, you might not be a bastard, but you'd be a sap. And most women prefer bastards.

Now guys, this is no excuse for your bastardly behaviour, but I appreciate this tightrope you have to walk every day of your life.

It's not just at the start of relationships either. When you try and finish with a girl, you can either be a cowardly bastard and stop calling her, a mean bastard by saying you don't like her or you the nice guy and let her down gently. More than one girl I know, myself included, will take this to mean "I must try harder" rather than "I must piss off."

So you try and to be the nice guy, and maybe try and stay friends. One of two things will happen. You'll get really friendly, perhaps a bit drunk and end up sleeping with her, a girl you don't really like, therefore making you a bastard. Or you'll get sick of her trying to win you over, tell her straight that its not going to happen, therefore making you a bastard. You poor boys just can't win.

I once had the briefest fling with a man who I could never figure out. We went out and had fun, but then he turned a bit cold on me. Was he a bastard, or was he just rubbish with girls? A mutual friend of ours told me it was the latter, but that didn't stop me from asking him myself.

This is how the conversation went:

ME: Our friend says youre crap with girls.
The Poor Boy: Oh does he now?
ME: Yeah. So are you?
TPB: Ummmm.
ME: Well it's either that or you don't like me.
THB: So I'm either a bastard or a loser?
ME: Basically.
TPB: Can't I be a bit of both?
ME: That means you half don't like me.
TPB: Well, I'd rather be a bastard than a loser.

And he ended up losing me, which I doubt he regrets that much, considering that conversation was me acting like a prize bitch.

Despite this, I still got everyone to believe I was the victim and he was the bastard. It wasn't hard, and being the victim gave me power. Being a bastard just gets you a slap.

Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com

Reasons To Feel Sorry for Men, Part I

2008-03-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

From your readings of the Skirt column, you may judge me to be a heartless feminist, blind to the plight of the modern man. This is not so.

Boys, I feel your pain. Whether I care that much is a different matter, but recently, I have come to realise one of the great struggles for the 21st century male: shopping.

Not being dragged around Top Shop by your girlfriend, but shopping for yourself. Very few men can dress themselves well without looking like a tosser or a cliché.

I only know of about five men who dress well, and even they can be inconsistent.

Two of them hit South Molton Street and spend triple figures on accessorising. One of them works very little and spends his time perusing Stables Market for one-off vintage finds. And boys take note that none of my stylish buddies own a pair of cowboy boots.

All of them have a clothes budget to rival the gross domestic product of a small country, but money doesnt necessarily buy you style.

Especially when Marc Jacobs and his ilk will charge you a weeks wages for a pair of hideously pointy-toed shoes, which look alarmingly like malformed flippers. As these monstrosities protrude from your ill-fitting, incorrectly-lengthed trousers, do you know how much of a dickhead you look?

One poor trilby-hatted fool I know wears almost exclusively Diesel, but still manages to look like a twatter encased in £120 worth of denim. Its like no one has told you about cut, colour and indeed style; how tapered legs make your arse look huge, how to buy trousers with the correct inside leg measurement, how stonewash went out with thumbholes in your hoodies.

And even those who are frugal with their clothing expenditure still make mammoth errors of judgement. James Gill, editor of Click Music, wears jeans so old the crotch has worn away into nothingness. If I were more uptight, or if Click Music had any money, I would have sued to indecent exposure a long time ago.

This perchant for groinal exposure started young with Gill. When he was a teenager, Gill tried to emulate his poodle-rock heroes by cutting a star-shaped hole out of the crotch of his jeans and replacing it with a leatherette patch fasted to his jeans with split pins designed to hold paper, as you can imagine, it didnt hold him very well at all.

Will you boys ever learn? I doubt it, but the lucky ones will get girlfriends who can do their shopping for them. The ones that dress like tossers, most likely are, and the rest of you will just have to make do with Burtons. My heart goes out to you, I am truly sorry.

Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com

Spread your love like a fever

2008-02-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

You know the feeling you get when you're on a really crowded train, you've been working all day, and you've finally get a seat, only you have to move because the man sat next to you has just asked if you're a lesbian or a hooker? No, you wouldn't, unless you were a female of Oriental persuasion.

"Nae ho ma?" is the offensive phrase in question, and depending on the inflections the speaker places, it translates to one of the following phrases:

1. Are you well?
2. You're a ho, yes?
3. You gay?

Of course, I know these poor men want to ask if I am well, but their English tongues cant master Cantonese. Hell, I can't master Cantonese and its only because of years of my mother yelling: "Where the hell have you been/What time do you call this/You're not going out dressed like a hooker/Why haven't you got a boyfriend, are you gay?" that I have become sensitive enough to pick up on the subtleties that change this friendly greeting to a scurrilous insult.

If it were a case of a few mixed up words, then perhaps I could chuckle. But it's not, its symptomatic of a much greater disease. A disease commonly know to us Oriental girls with yards and yards of straight black hair, small feet, smooth skin and slitty eyes as Yellow Fever. Men with Yellow Fever (yes, it is an exclusively male affliction, like testicular cancer) quite simply, want an Oriental girlfriend. What exactly for, I'm not sure. Maybe they want to be fed chicken chow mein, or maybe they want to call their girlfriends hookers and lesbians, both are common fantasies among men.

The less sophisticated sufferers of Yellow Fever have even less sophisticated chat-up lines then "are you a lesbian/hooker?" I have personally encountered the following:

1.Would you like the cream of sum young guy?
2. Where are you from? Hong Kong, China, Vietnam, Korea?

You see, they're trying to be clever. Do you know what you get when stupid people try and be clever? Stupid squared. I mean, what girl, Oriental or otherwise, is going to find you offering your cum a flattering reason to talk to you?

As for where are you from, I find this question even more insipid and offensive then are you as lesbian/hooker. What they are really saying is, "what are you doing here?" Before you accuse me of over reacting, how would you answer the question, where are you from? You'd say the place where you spent the majority of your formative years, right? Well, in my case, this is London, but when I tell these people I'm from London, they reply, "No, where are you really from?" Sometimes, I'll say it again, only slower, "Lon--don." They will ask again, moving the emphasis, "Where are you really from?" "London." Sometimes, they'll suggest places that they believe more likely to be the place I'm from, observe, "Where are you from, Japan?" "No, London." The record amount of times this exchange has taken place currently stands at five. It doesn't matter that technically, I wasn't born in London. I was born in a shantytown on the outskirts of Bangkok called Chun Marie (English spelling). Some of my closet friends don't know this, so why should I impart it to someone I don't even know? I only spent nine months there. I often wonder if these same men would ask a black woman where she was really from. The lack of black eyes and bruised faces tell me no. from?

Sometimes they'll do away with the unnecessary task of asking me where I'm from, and just say random Southeast Asian countries at me, like so, "Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Hong Kong?" As if they're trying to win a geography competition. Again, let me show you how absurd this is, if a white woman sat down and someone started saying "Lichfield, Sutton, Northampton, Isle of Wight?" You'd think they were pretty nutty, wouldnt you? Considering the sheer mass of Southeast Asia, I think I can be afforded the same luxury.

All I want is to be left alone. To stay on my seat on that train and read my book. I dont have small feet, I wont cook you chicken chow mein, and for the last time, I'm not a lesbian, or a hooker.

Originally plblished circa 2004 as part of the Skirt columns on ClickMusic.com